Oooommmmm

Went to yoga for the first time in my life today, and it hurt like hell! :) Enjoyed it very much though. I know I will be going again. I feel good.

Things that make me happy

The list of things that make me happy today:

1. My mother's voice, sounding happy and healthy
2. Yong tow foo for lunch, with a good friend, you know who you are
3. Talking non-sense with M, at dinner after our peeling session :)
4. A call from somebody dear
5. I managed to finally get the electrician to come fetch my washing machine, and service the air-conditioner
6. Scraping the flaking paint from my bathroom wall, although I don't know when I will be able to repaint!

Dear Little Me

I am not sure of myself anymore, of what I want. Especially when it comes to the few people that I hold very dear to my heart. I expect too much from them, and when they don't deliver, I bruise. That's my cancerian trait that I hate so much, that I have been working hard to rid, and yet it is still there. I know, I give too much. And I expect the same. And when it doesn't happen I hurt. And the more the need to hold on to the person, when I am feeling that I am losing him, the more I get scared. And the more I demand. And the more I bruise. And the more I drive the person away. I don't want to feel this, yet I don't know what I need to do to unfeel. And it drives me mad. And it drives him sad. And confused. And away I suppose.

Forays

Ever since I bought the digital camera I have been trying to get my creative juices going by trying (again that word) to take artful pictures. And I guess not much can be achieved with an automatic little Nikon. But I tried. Still objects are my favourite. The results are okay I suppose, for a camera meant for capturing everyday moments, and not artful ones. Well, to me at least they are okay, I must qualify. :) So things around the apartment have been my favourite targets. And Trengganu did provide an interesting venture - my friend's house has a lot of gorgeous objects. So here they are. Can't wait to experiment with those graphic softwares heh heh.

Lazy affair

It rejuvenated me. A short lazy affair, only a weekend thing, but my soul is mended. I feel a lot better than I have felt in a long while. A sweet one, invoking memories of my previous affairs - I almost always would have at least one a year. Yes, it's Trengganu time again. Lots of lazy times of eating, eating and eating with very good company. Lots of long lazy chats and laughs. This time armed with a digital camera, my latest toy. I have to admit I am a late adopter of technology, so I only very recently bought one. :)

Here are some pics. I hope you like them.

Silence

Silence, precious. Especially when you need it badly, after all the troubles and tragedies. I had a long bout of silence today. Which I relished. A day of doing nothing, staring into space, listening to Spyro Gyra. Hammie's passing still affected me, and his presence I still felt. His sandbox is still at the back balcony, waiting to be emptied and cleaned. I just couldn't bear to do it yet. His scratching pole I managed to hide in the room. Found his fur on my wool pants that I sent to the laundry this afternoon. His food, still there. And that catnip toy bought during this recent trip to Dubai, still in its wrap. Never managed to give it to him. Oh Hammie, you don't know how much I miss you. All I have now is silence. And this one, I don't quite treasure.

The cost of grief

I have been grieving over the loss of Hammie. And my mind was a muck - thinking about mother, work, and now Hammie. So I decided to go for retail therapy. The result:

1. Two lamps from Ikea
2. A dinner for four at Pho Hoa (well, I dragged my friend and his children along)
3. Two of each of detergent and softener (don't ask me why two)
4. A pot of petunias

Do I feel better? Not really.

Farewell Hammie

Hammie is gone. He died this morning. He died a very peaceful death, in his sleep. My sister found him in his sleeping position, where usually slept, body still soft. My cat. The cat that I loved so much. The cat that I raised from when he was barely a month old. R gave him to me. On Valentine's Day two years ago. With the hope that I can practice raising a child that he felt I should be adopting. It has always been a joke between us that if I could raise Hammie right, then I should not have a problem adopting and raising a human child. And he is now dead. So may be I shouldn't be raising a child. Perhaps he died of heart break. I left him with my parents for two months because of my travails. Travails that I hate but I had to do. Something that has become a joke to my boss - "oh, he doesn't want to travel because of his cat.. hah hah". See what it does now. I went back over the weekend to visit my mother, and of course to see Hammie. And he didn't even want to look at me. He avoided me. I was aghast, because he is such a friendly cat. I meant was... still have not come to terms with his death. His favourite thing to do - licking my hair everytime I come back from work. This time he wouldn't even look at me. Well, I guess either he knew he was going away, or perhaps he just hated me for leaving him.

Oh Hammie, this is supposed to be a tribute for you, but I just can't find the words. I stil can't believe that you are gone. I just left you yesterday evening. And now you have left me forever.

I miss you, so much.

Under the desert moon

Nothing like the vastness of the desert to make you feel close to your companion. Perhaps also it is the chill in the spring air. What more with me worrying about my mother in the hospital, and my not being able to immediately go back since all flights were fully booked. So we sat, bare feet in the soft sand, caressed in its warmth. And we talked. And talked for many hours. Untold stories for the last twenty years, unspoken words stuck in the throat all the while. Thoughts never discussed, feelings never revealed - they came out in torrents. Much like the sand sliding down the steep slope. Yes, it felt good. It felt warm. Not unlike being touched by the desert sand. And my heart went a flutter, losing a tiny bit of its coldness.

Tired old me

My energy level today is at its lowest since I have been here. I guess talking non-stop for 8 hours a day does take its toll. And having students whose energy level is not at its optimum doesn't help. I get easily affected by people around me - that's me the cancerian. One of my students is home, sick. Another is 7 month pregnant. Another is a hyperactive child of 24 who gets bored after lunch. Another is a stoic ex-IT person turn HR. Oh boy. Talking to the corny one did not help today. Usually I draw energy from him. I perk up everytime I speak to him, unless of course when things don't go quite right. Not today. I am just tired, and I feel old. It's only 8.15 pm and I really can't keep my eyes open. Don't even feel like calling R who just got back late last night. Hope I can last through tomorrow. I need the weekend!

Living in a bubble

I always get this feeling when I am in a place foreign to me. The feeling of being in a bubble. Where I exist in the surrounding, but so insulated from what is going on around me. I can be part of a crowd, walking during the rush hour, but I am so far away from everything. Like I don't belong. And I feel that now. Like the surrounding is alien, foreign. Well, it is. But do other people feel the same way?

Desert Calls

I am back again in the arid land of the middle east. Amazing how fate seems to steer me more and more to this part of the world. Not that I ever planned it that way. Perhaps it's a reminder of what is diminishing in my thoughts, or a way to steer me back towards the one I am forgetting. And yes, he has been happy, ecstatic to see me again. Perhaps, our deal to see each other as often as possible is being made possible. Perhaps, like I said, it is a reminder that there is someone who thinks of me, the one that is fading from my memory. I have to think more of this.

Thank you anyway, for the reminder, although I do feel that I want to be elsewhere, with someone else at this time.

Release

You know how it is when you reach a point in your relationship where you are about to have your first fight - the strain that you feel but cannot verbalise, the silence that tends to grow longer in duration etc. I reached that point early this week, and the obvious obviously happened. Yes, I lost it. My patience I mean. :) And I actually just left the other party waiting and calling (and calling and calling). It felt good, because I was trying so hard before this to work things out and to not let that happen. Well, it wasn't really a fight. We just didn't speak for 8 hours. And I couldn't keep it any longer than that.

Ahh... the first silent fight. :)

Wow factor

A friend called yesterday. One who has not been in touch forever it seems. Which was a pleasant surprise. Another surprise was in store. I am not sure if it was pleasant. He was calling to ask for my address to mail an invitation to his union. With his newly-found boyfriend. Two parties are being planned. One in Johor. Another in London. The boyfriend is half-English half-Malay and resides in London. Hence the London party. Wow. Not a wow for the London party. Rather, it's a wow for the fact that he just broke up with his previous boyfriend late last December. And now he is getting married, with a formal registration and all (in London obviously). That's just hardly a month ago! Wow.

Things to think

It is almost the end of January, and that is fast. May be it's true what people say about how time moves faster when you are older. I am getting old. Next year it will be a new decade for me. I am not sure how much I have accomplished in life - I don't feel that I have much, be it in terms of personal life, career or anything else in fact. Do I still have time to do something that will mean something? I think I better sit down and think about this real hard.